Wade in the water child

I have been living a dream sequence all summer.
I don't know how to get out of it. I've literally tried everything.

I've come to realize that I'm scared of something, but I don't know what. I'm preventing myself from feeling certain things and subconciously envoking harmful thoughts.

I know I couldn't be any more abstract about this, but I am so confused as to what is right and wrong in this situation i'm in that i'm about to blow my lid, multiple times over.

I really need prayer, and lots of it. If that's one thing i've learned this summer from all of this, without God, I can handle nothing.

bi polar
PMS


who knows.

this updating thing is embaressing.

Dear Livejournal,
sometimes I make silly posts in you.
And then want to delete them, but realize that everyone has already read or atleast seen them.

Mrehh.


Dear Livejournal,
There is a boy that I like, a lot.

I'm totally content with how things are going to go this summer
i'm home now
i've got to find a good job and make me some sweet arse cash
to purchase an ibook and an slr

I have developed some great friendships and relationships at SAU and now i'm questioning whether or not SAU really likes me as much as i like it.
academic probation 1st semester, and i'm sure i'm on it now. shooooooot
i have to be able to go back next year or it will really screw everything up.
But i have faith that God will lead me back there some how because i know now for sure, after a lot of deliberating that that's where he wants me right now.

Pray that they'll let me back there please. I am going to work harder now that i have things sorted out mostly, emotionally and now that i have a direction that i actually want to go towards.

when things are good, my demons refuse to leave me alone
i think i'm or have developed a bit of anxiety. experienced my first panic attack and... thank God for laura and my mom. Wise women that understand me more and more.
I realized that i'm able to convince myself of anything. Really, and fully believe it. That's a scary thing.
I honestly need prayer.
I feel selfish for requesting spiritual assistance and not giving any in return.

Let me know what you need prayer for. Please. and i'll keep you in my prayers for as long as it takes

He'd laugh and barf if he knew i'd blogged about him.

I'm happy, and it's a scary time, because i'm expecting things to get bad. It's not really fair.

Page France makes me feel better though. along with Gods unconditional grace, which is what we both need.

DISPLACE ME THIS WEEKEND IN CHICAGO, PRETTY FREAKING HOPPED UP WITH EXCITEMENT ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW.

ALSO, i'm staying at SAU, and i've changed my major permanently to art, with a photography concentration.
i've never felt more relieved/nervous/excited about anything at the same time before.

God has recently brought people in to my life that are soon to be taken out.



also, i have some serious decisions to make.
Please pray for descernment for myself and the people praying specifically for this issue.


thank you!

To lose a friend is one of the most painful things i will ever experience.
Next to a death of a friend, losing one is the worst.

In death, they don't wish to leave, but simply losing one is due to the fact that they simply stop caring.
It makes you realize that nothing in this life or on this earth is constant and that the only thing that I truely can count on is Christ.
I won't be abandoned or forgotten.

and I am learning to thank him every day for that.
and for the friends that he blesses me with, even if one day, they dissapear.

my mother believes she has prophetic dreams.
and i'm beginning to believe her.

She dreampt that we would crash and then we did, among other countless instances.
Is it silly to think that i've been 'blessed' with the same gift? or more or less prophetic thoughts.

I know it sounds silly, but it happens.

Now we're trapped here in Downingtown until tomorrow because of an ice storm that is in large contrast with the 75 degree weather we had on Wednesday.

Can I please plug a movie?

AMAZING GRACE.
go see this movie.

I am feeling confused and discouraged lately because i don't really know where God wants me. I don't feel confident in my major at the time, and i've felt a strong pull towards social justice. I've always been passionate, but unable to believe that i could do anything or that anything i'd do would make a difference.
This movie just perpetuates my drive to do something greater for those less fortunate, whether it be the poverty stricken in Chicago, my heart goes out to them; or the frightened homeless children running for protection every night in Uganda.
I needed one last little push, and i've found it.

traveling home with laura to Downingtown, PA yesterday

got into an accident at a rest stop.

had to camp out at a rest stop for hours, only 3 hours away from destination.

Laura has to pay for a ticket and a new axel for her car.

Saw Hanson
it made my life


I can die now.

i'm going nine hours away tonight for a surprise birthday present from Brent and dustyn i guess.

I am pretty sure it's a hanson concert in pennsylvania, and if that's the case then HOLY CRAP! I'M SO EXCITED.

But i'm not suppose to know, i'm a girl though, and i can put things together. they're guys, and they give things away too easily.

Dustyn isnt going to go now because he and brent gave up showering for lent, but brents bff elizabeth is MAKING them shower before they get into her car, and dustyn is sticking to his commitment and refusin to shower,therefore he is not going to go now.


Brent, Elizabeth, Whitney
can you say akward and terrifying?

yep i'm going to do it.

Not that i'm complaining, but come on.
I really dont want to have to deal with valentines day.
I have never had a 'valentine' on valentines day once in my life, so what is another valentineless valentines day?
right, no big deal
it's just so sickening though when you're surrounded by mushy gushy crap like pink hearted livejournal (thanks jerks), when you wouldn't even be into crap like that on a normal day.

I don't know, i guess it's just frustrating because i do go by the whole halmark card holiday ideal.
It makes me angry that everyone feels obligated to show how much they care about someone by how much they spend or how creative they can get. And on one single day. You know that it's not gonna be THAT special or meaningful when someone has been being pressured by it for a month in advance worrying about what to do for their 'other'. I think it would be much nicer to recieve things on days randomely, just to know that someone is thinking about you, just whenever, not feeling obligated to do it on the day that EVERYONE and their brother gets something.
sheesh.
showbread and bringing down broadway for vday maybe???

I've made a complete and utter fool out of myself.
being emotionally toyed with is what i thought was happening at first, but then i came to realize that that's what I was doing, all along.

I've also been made to believe that someone was interested in me, me being intrigued, simply, i attempted to flirt, accidently making them think that i was interested, now i have become the fool, them running away with me standing there alone, just trying to be friendly.

deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.

I've apparently got a surprise in store for the weekend of the 4th, and i'm not sure what it is. But i have a slight idea, and if it's what i think it is, i'll be SOOOO happy, but if it's under certain circumstances, then i'll be devistated and embaressed and feel totally akward. oh jeez.

you're the one i want to appreciate me the most, and you appreciate me the least.
grow the frick up

really fun weekend. Becca came up and stayed, and Danielle came for two days. We hung out with a lot of new friends. I was just with people ALL the time, but it was good, and annoying at times.
serious Christian college house party. good show, pancake breakfast, shopping, shopping, movie, denny's stores. constant going going going.

new classes this semester, j term is over.

monday/Wednesday: COM100 (9am) Chapel (10:10am) Copy Writing (2:40pm)
tuesday/thursday: CORE200 (10:55am) Color (2pm)
Friday: NO CLASS
Online COM. course

pretty cool, but at the same time, lame.

Laura is gone all week, i had to take her to Detroit to catch a flight home because her uncle died of Leukemia recently. Her family needs prayer.

How do you clear your head and get rid of looming feelings and thoughts of hatred when you figure out that one of your closest friends lied to you and almost blatantly admitted to playing you, using your emotions and now wants to be the bestest of friends, making you the girl he comes to to talk about other girls?

Really, what do you do?

I'm sick of it. I'm not a friend that's just gonna be there when other hot chicks arent around, so your arogent ego can be shown off to some form to the opposite sex.
I'm sorry, i totally regret ever sharing my feelings with you, i'm sorry for ever listening to your embaressing secrets, and for letting myself ignore my own instincts about younger kids.
wow, i dont know if i can wait around for you to grow up in any circumstance.
Do not ignore me when girls that give you the attention you want are around.
DO NOT pretend that i really mean something to you as a friend now and make me #1 on your fucking myspace top 8.
come on, i cant believe a thing you say or do anymore. I hope you feel terrible for what you've done. ruined my trust in you... made yourself look like a fool... shown hundreds of girls on this campus that you're out for yourself only...

like i've said before, i befriended you when you didnt know anyone here, and when everyone thought you were a silly immature kid. Sorry for being a good person and giving you a fighting chance.
I'm sorry to myself that i let you take complete advantage of me emotionally when you never really wanted to be emotionally involved with a single person.
stop doing this now, to other girls. you dont want to date them, you say it all the time, you just want them to like you so you can feel good about yourself.
I hope that your unhealthy lack self esteem changes so that you wont have to do this anymore.
so that you wont have to hurt me anymore.
gooooood job


okay, thanks for letting me post that, i cant tell anyone else cause they're all hanging out with stupid freshman guuuuuuuuys.
no rude comments please, i'll probably hunt you down and slit your throat

How to be mysterious.

Chapter one: ignore at all costs. Okay, well when i enjoy the company of people, i want to be with them all of the time.
so that's out.

Chapter two: Be busy. I'm never busy. The things i do are class and my friends, because that's what's important to me.

Chapter three: Don't call: Okay, i've got one out of three.

Chapter four: What the hell are you doing?: I don't know what i'm doing, at all.

goin' home

(school)

you know what's really awesome?!
when i come home from a semester of stress to a bunch of idiots who accuse me of doing something, or narking on someone...because i'm an honest person.

It's too bad that people are rewarded for being rotten

God save this world.